Speechless

Oh course if I really were speechless, I wouldn't be writing. This blog is for me really, because writing helps clear my head a bit.

It has been such a weird day. Arnie and I attended a funeral of a lovely man who took his life 6 days ago. I can't make sense of it, but he felt hopeless and sad and no matter what, just couldn't make life work and thought this was his one last choice.

I am deeply sad for so many reasons. When I am sad or overwhelmed, my first choice would be to sleep (the ultimate form of denial) but atthe very least,to just sit quietly.

My Mother has little short term memory and so none of today means much to her, she can't really remember where I went and why I feel sad or quiet.. and when she asks what is wrong, I tell her I am sad and when she wants to know why, I tell her that a friend died and she asks if she knew him. This has gone on through out the past week and certainly in the hours since I came home. So I just kind of stopped talking about it and act like nothing at all happened....which is a dis-service to my feelings, myself and to my friend...but it is the easier softer way tonight.