Thursday, September 29, 2011

The value of tension

Last Saturday, I had planned to fly into Los Angeles for the day. I do that when the gem show is in Santa Monica and I need supplies. I felt kind of worn out (not from decision fatigue,I think actual exhaustion). My daughter, who would have been picking me up, was not feeling great either. So we decided to cancel our plans.

I have thought from time to time about an ad on the internet for flotation companies. You get into warm salt water, in a private pod, close the hatch and float for an hour. Uninterrupted,alone and quiet....quietly suspended. The ads say that an hour of this is like 8 full hours of sleep. I was able to book an appointment for that afternoon.

It was a strange feeling because I am not all that good at simply relaxing these days....I was wishing I could read a book,(not possible), feared being bored and on and on.. I finally was able to really let go with some meditative breathing. I actually did fall asleep.

After finishing my hour, I felt great and full of energy. About an hour and a half later, I was so tired that I thought my bones had turned to jelly. I was good for nuthin! I did sleep well but awoke on Sunday completely lazy and unable to do a thing other than nap and lay around. I remembered this happened when I had a hot stone massage months ago. I thought at the time that I was just too relaxed and I didn't like it. I mean I need that adrenaline to get things done. There is a value of tension...isn't that what used to make clocks run?

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Being the daughter

Early on when we signed with Hospice of the Valley, one of the nurses or social workers mentioned that at some point I might need to think of moving my Mother so that I could enjoy just"being her daughter". I feel like I am nearing that point but how do I every make that transition? It would be a huge change and I worry that she would feel discarded. I know I would feel incredibly guilty.

On the other hand, my day,when I don't have a caregiver, is reduced to taking Mom to the bathroom and making meals. I am truly feeling like I have lost myself. In addition, I am resentful and impatient. Confused and sad.

Could I be cruel enough to send her away and thereby changing my role from worn out caregiver to loving daughter? I have no idea how anyone makes these kinds of decisions. I wish I knew.