Flowers, birds and bees

Yesterday when we were sitting in the living room, my Mom looked out the front window at a Saguaro Cactus and asked what the bumps on the top were. I said they were the buds of the flowers that would bloom in a few weeks.Then I looked out and saw that not all the Saguaros had buds on their top. I pointed that out and said, "wow, are cacti also female and male?"

Mom immediately became her old self and said "All species have males and females, even plants." It reminded me of the many things that she taught us as children. She had so much knowledge of nature and animals. I was astonished when she showed me the "star" in the apple. You can see that when you cut an apple horizontally instead of vertically. I delighted in the snapping mouth of the snap dragon. In Cleveland we could walk in the woods and see the Jack in the Pulpit and different flowers than I have known here in Arizona.She knew the names of all of them.

My Mom had a green thumb and our home was full of plants that often had to be coaxed to stay alive. At our families cottage on Lake Erie she had a garden that yielded wonderful corn and other vegetables. She taught me how to swim and she taught me manners and thoughtfulness. She taught us the joy of family and friends.

We were lucky to have the best of her for so many years. I love the moments when I see her snap back to those times and share her knowledge. They may be brief glimpses, but I treasure them when they pop up.

A degree of understanding.

Sometimes, at night when I am really tired, I get on the verge of being full out annoyed. That would be counter productive and also give me another reason to have to make amends.

My Mom does not like to go to bed until every possible t.v. show has been watched, at least the good ones. Then she has to straighten each thing up in her room, re-comb her hair (why, when one is getting ready to go bed where it will be mussed again? She carefully brushes her teeth. Her pillow has to be in a certain position, and the seam must be at the top with the open end of the case facing the wall. Always. The bed pads have to be re- positioned and smoothed, and not too high up the bed or too low down the bed. Then she gets in, and I tuck her in and put her toy kitty in her arms. I am usually seeing double by then, but try to be patient and not allow any body language to tell my emotions. I want to have her go to sleep with us on the best of terms...so if she were to get her wish and not wake up the next day.. I wouldn't hate myself up for not being kind the night before.

What has allowed me to be patient at this point, is the realization that maybe putting off going to bed until the very last minute, is her way of savoring each last minute of being alive in case she does get her desire and passes gently in her sleep. When I look at things that way, having things just so makes sense. I can be patient forever.

Another Day, Another Play

What a lucky week...I got to go to the theater twice. Yesterday, Saturday, I went to see a friend perform at the Fountain Hills Community theater. I enjoyed it very much, even the long ride, because I rarely get a chance to be alone.

Again, one of the characters had a line that made me think, I am only paraphrasing, but it was about how short life really is and how important it is to live it and enjoy it, as fully as possible. The character in the play had actually quit his job and was happy that he had.

I was thinking of whether I could say that or not. It also reminded me of the conversations I have had with my Mom; she has said repeatedly that she is ready to go because she has had such a good life. She says that she has had two wonderful husbands, she has traveled almost everywhere she ever wanted to, and then said she is proud of her children and grandchildren. She feels complete and happy.

There are still many things I would like to do and maybe I need to thinking seriously about making some plans...

Hello Dolly, I feel lucky tonight.

Tonight I got to do one of my favorite things: go to the theater.

This is another thing I have my Mom to thank for: the love of theater. I can hardly remember NOT going to the theater, but vividly remember the magic of going to summer theater in Ohio with my sister and my parents. (It was a double bonus for me: next to the race track, horses and theater, the only thing better was Cavalia...anyway.) I got an early education in musical theater and the magic of seeing performances right up close. My parents had the recordings of them all and I knew the words to everything.

My cousin and I spent many an hour singing lyprics and performing dialogue down in the rec rooms of our homes in Cleveland. Although I have never performed,both of my children are in performing careers. We also spent time in the Hanna Theater in downtown Cleveland. Her father had the concession there, we could sit in any vacant seats if we sold candy and sodas during the intermission.

I still would rather see a play than a movie. My favorite music is from Broadway.

This was not my original reason for writing though. One of the performers tonight had a line about not having much time with her deceased spouse. She said
10 years together was a very short time. I immediately realized how lucky I have been:I have had 40 years with my husband and so far 63 years with my Mother. I can still tell her how grateful I am for the gift of theater, music and books that she has given to me. I can still say how fortunate my children have been to have had grandparents for most of their lives.

Sometimes in the middle of enjoying life,moments of profound gratitude pop up.

Speechless

Oh course if I really were speechless, I wouldn't be writing. This blog is for me really, because writing helps clear my head a bit.

It has been such a weird day. Arnie and I attended a funeral of a lovely man who took his life 6 days ago. I can't make sense of it, but he felt hopeless and sad and no matter what, just couldn't make life work and thought this was his one last choice.

I am deeply sad for so many reasons. When I am sad or overwhelmed, my first choice would be to sleep (the ultimate form of denial) but atthe very least,to just sit quietly.

My Mother has little short term memory and so none of today means much to her, she can't really remember where I went and why I feel sad or quiet.. and when she asks what is wrong, I tell her I am sad and when she wants to know why, I tell her that a friend died and she asks if she knew him. This has gone on through out the past week and certainly in the hours since I came home. So I just kind of stopped talking about it and act like nothing at all happened....which is a dis-service to my feelings, myself and to my friend...but it is the easier softer way tonight.

Ginger

No story of Mom's life could ever be complete with out acknowledging Ginger. Her boon companion;confident;the real love of life: her cat.

My Mom has always been an animal person and I can hardly remember not having a dog, birds, fish...no rodent pets and no cats, as my birth father did not like them. My Mom used to say that cats are sneaky, but that changed waaaaaaay later.

When my (step)dad and Mom got married, they were petless by choice, but at some point decided they had done enough traveling around and for whatever other reasons, decided to get a dog. They him for probably about 8 yrs I am thinking and he went to the dog park in the sky. Mom was devastated, heartbroken, so much so that it really worried me. She missed having a furry something. My kids decided to get her a cat for her birthday but ended up sending me because they both had to work. I spent only 3 hours at the Humane Society before settling on Ginger.

It was love at first sight for my Mom but my Dad held off, until Ginger came up on the sofa during a ball game and settled in right next to him. That was all it took. She was an unusual cat in that she loved to play ball, came when she was called and loved to snuggle. She played little games when Mom changed the linens. She was loved by all. Not to mention, stunning ginger fur and green eyes. She had her own way about her and if my parents were away too long or Mom was away somewhere, she show her displeasure by biting her. My husband nicknamed her Ginger-Bite-Us, oddly though, she only bit Mom. She did love her though as evidenced by the perfect heart shaped litter box pee....seriously, untouched.

Ginger was a much loved happy girl for a very long time. She seemed to fit in where ever she was, since she had moved from their home off Ocotillo, to ChrisRidge apartments and finally to my New River home where she let the other animals know who was the boss. She loved being admired,and certainly let us all have equal opportunities to do so. Ginger was either 15 or 22 or 26 depending on the day that Mom was talking about her. I, myself, think that she was 15 and that is nothing to scoff at, but Mom insisted she was 22 or older. Sadly though we had to help Ginger to her final rest at the end of last November. She had started to decline and went into kidney failure. Mom couldn't be with her but I held her as she passed on, gratefully and peacefully and very much a grand lady till the end. She was cremated and waits for her final resting place with Mom.

Alpha and Omega Part 2

We had the pleasure of an over night visit with my grand daughter again. With the 3 of us living together (Mom, Arnie and me) life gets pretty hum drum and repetitive.

When my grand daughter comes to visit, everything gets funnier, livlier and more exciting. She is so creative and the smallest thing has a story to it;everything has a new meaning.

I worry that things might seem scarey to her but she is comfortable with everything wanting to be a part of my Mom's care. She loves Mom's blue bedroom and for some reason finds it a great place to perform.

The photo I have enclosed is Toni singing Mom a lullaby (she asked Mom if she would like one and Mom is not dumb! She agreeed immediately.) Toni started out singing quietly and sweetly, then said "hit it", jumped off the bed and rapped out a lullaby, ending with jumping toward Mom saying "Thank you" and back away again, saying "Good night". We don't have this kind of fun without our Toni. I am so grateful for these times, it makes all of us happy to be alive.

Have a Heart!

In their February newsletter John C. Lincoln had this zinger: " Caregivers who are overly stressed during the time they care for someone will usually die within a year after the person dies". Yikes....in addition, the newspaper last week had an article about stress and talked about Cortisol, the fight or flight hormone. I looked it up on the internet and thought this was pertinant.Cortisol affects sugar levels, bone density,immunity, energy levels, heart functions...and so on. The article also said:
"Prolonged high levels of cortisol can lead to heart disease and other health problems." In addition: "Unfortunately, in our current high-stress culture, the body’s stress response is activated so often that the body doesn’t always have a chance to return to normal, resulting in a state of chronic stress."

And so, you might ask, what causes my stress? Things like being on call 24 hours a day;not finishing most of the things I start, because I need to stop to do something else; not getting to jump in the car to grocery shop, bank, have coffee with a friend without planning for someone to be here with my Mom;answering the same question over and over;having extra people in the house constantly no matter how nice they are;mopping bathroom floors at 11:30 p.m. and ad infinitum. Oh and the added stress of feeling guilty for all the above feelings.

When I finally go to the cardiologist in 2 weeks, I won't be surprised if "something" is going on, but I am stressing over what to do about it. My chest pains are a "pre-existing condition" on a policy that I couldn't afford to keep. My "catastrophic health care policy" which I am hoping will carry me into medicare, pays for the basic stuff,(even if they waive the pre-exisitng)...they pay little for hospital stays, surgery,etc. Least this sound (horrors) political, I might add that yes I have and do look for a job so I could buy better health care. I have tried to apply for weekend or overnight work but have not even an interview.Weekends or nights would allow me to still care for Mom most of the time. Surprisingly when I applied for seasonal at a craft store, although I am a juried painter, I make extra money designing and making jewelry, I can sew,and needlepoint, I never even got a callback for an interview. My husband is a 70 year old cancer survivor, not best job prospect (although I have visions of him driving a school bus: the kids would get to school in record time in additon to a whole new salty vocabulary!)

And the sneakiest thoughts come in: after caring for Mom.....I don't think I want to live long anyway.