The End of the Journey: The last blog

On December 18th, one week ago, my Mom got her wish and passed away. She had consistantly said that she had had an amazing life, with 2 wonderful husbands that she loved very much. She had had a wonderful circle of friends;she had enjoyed her children,her grandchildren and even great-grandchild.

Her husbands had preceded her in death, most all of her friends were gone and her world continued to narrow as both her eyesight AND hearing were very bad, probably because her bad heart had inhibited her oxygen flow.
We had talked about this frequently. In the last few weeks of her life, she had had less strength and getting her in and out of bed was getting harder and verging on my being unable to do this alone. She worried about that, although I told her that we were getting a new caregiver that could help me.

Just like her husband 3 years ago, on a Monday, she expressed to her Hospice nurse and doctor that she wanted to chose her date for passing. I think Wednesday morning, we had our last real conversation;I am sure it was of inconsequential things. She didn't respond or get up or eat again.

My brother called on Friday to say to pick him up that evening, he was on his way in. I expressed that we didn't know if she could or would rally. His response was pretty much, "see you tonight". On Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m. I was told that we would be able to have continuous care nurses. The first that arrived arranged the room, and then asked if I would like to help her bathe Mom. We each took a side and gently washed and lotioned Mom, changed her gown and combed her hair. The angel, er nurse, positioned her with lots of pillows and rolled up towels, so that no part of her would be uncomfortable in her fragile state. My cousins came out to say their good-byes. My son and his daughter came later in the day. Although we had not planned on having Toni come into the room, she was insistant on seeing "Little Grama" and "no" was not an option. Her whispered words to "Little Grama" stay in my heart and my memory.

The nurse shift changed at midnight. Something about that nurse made me feel like I could go to bed. It was the best night sleep that I had had for a month. At 6:30 a.m., she wakened all of us and said that things had changed. Mom stayed with us through the 8 a.m. shift when a young and very competant young woman arrived.

At 9:20 a.m. Mom took her last breath and the 3 of us let her go, hopefully to a wonderful,peaceful and easy place. Death takes a week and then a breath. It was weird.

The last angels, Dawn, Marcia and Britt were truely God sent. Debbie, her case nurse and Lynne her CNA always went above and beyond. Dottie our special Hospice Chaplain was a gentle guide till the very last. I did not get to know Mom's Social Worker, Paula well, but I know Mom appreciated her visits, with their heads together talking softly.

Life looks so different now and who knows how it will re-define itself? How the family re-adjusts its boundaries. This journey has been hard, easy, unexpected, beautiful and the best education I have ever had. Thank you Mom, it was amazing.

Let me off the roller coaster................

I never liked roller coasters! Not as a child, a teen, or an adult. I don't need to go out of my way to get scared.

These last 2 weeks have been more of a ride than I wanted or needed. My Mother, if we continue with coaster metaphors has hit the down hill part of the ride. The last 2 weeks have been mostly sleeping, little eating, except for 2 or 3 days this week. Then on a Monday a definate diagnosis of shingles. One of the worst cases that the nurse has seen in a long time. After being out briefly yesterday for errands and a hair cut, I came home to Mom with a fever and labored breathing. As prepared as I think I am, my heart pounded and my head felt it was going to split open. Morphine, of course, eases the breathing and the pain.

Today after having a bed bath and clean gown, Mom has slept for the past 12 hours. "What is happening?" I asked my husband? "You know what is happening" he answered.

The roller coaster is this: tomorrow, Mom may wake up and be hungry and thirsty. She may not be able to get out of bed to eat in the kitchen,but she may be lucid and talkative. Maybe she won't be. I don't know. I have the foolish thought that if I knew when, I could know what to do, how to act, how to be. Expectations? Can't be allowed the luxary. Wishes? That things could be the same as they were 10 years, or 5 or maybe last month.

Then and Now #3: (the last one)

Get...........The..........Belt!

Few of you might remember those terrifying words! Today the kid would call Child Protective Services if they heard that. When I was growing up, I heard that ALOT. I was "active" and frequently in need of "a change of attitude." When my Mom would threaten that Dad would punish me when he came home...or Dad would threaten with those terrifying words "Get the belt", I felt cold, deep fear! As alot of you will remember, my Dad was on crutches so those words brought out that instinct to flee....usually right up the stairs and into a locked bedroom. I may have faulty memory but I don't remember an actual spanking with a belt. The words alone changed behavior.

Today, when I say those words, it is because my Mom has been weakening enough so that even she knows we need a gait belt. A soft, padded support that helps me when her knees are buckling, or she is too weak to make the transition from recliner to wheelchair. It felt odd when I had to call out to my husband to "Get the belt". It is a weird case of "Turnabout". One to change behavior, the other a result of changed behavior.

Then and Now: #2

The story with Santa photo is this: The black and white is of me at about 5 or 6...my Dad had taken me to have my photo. That,in itself is interesting because my Dad was pretty strict about us being Jewish and NOT even pretending to celebrate Christmas. He told my Mom that just as the photo was snapped, I was telling Santa that we were Jewish and didn't celebrate Christmas. I don't know if that is true or not, but obviously I was talking about something.

The color photo was a whim. My Mom was feeling pretty good on Monday of last week. My sister wanted to go to the outlet mall, so the 3 of us went. As we passed Santa's little house, I said "Shall we?" My sister thought it would be a great memory maker. So here you go. When we show the photo to folks,my mother remarks what a very nice that was.

Then and Now: #1

Have not written anything in awhile. Holiday preparations and other things going on. All is well though. Including my son fixing my comments page.

I use this blog to verbalize thoughts that I have and walk around with...I am letting them go I guess.

I was re-filling my Mom's daily pill box and the thought occured of the first time that I did that. It was a maybe four or five years ago. My parents still lived in ChrisRidge and my Mom was recovering from a TIA and a septic bladder infection. We had hired a nurse's aid. My brother originally filled the pill box and reminded me that I would have to do this once a week after he left to go home. I felt a huge wash of panic. I never thought I could remember what pill went where, what each pill was. He actually wrote on the back of the box what went into each cup.

Wow, who how much of a no-brainer this would grow to be. Like the least of my duties today.