Quiet Please

My father, Leonard, not to be confused with my step-dad Bob, was a person that I remember being terrified of. He died when I was in my 20's, just after my daughter's 1st birthday. (She will be 40 this year,just to give you some reference.)

My father had had polio and spinal meningitis when my sister was around 3 and I was not yet born. He was hospitalized for a year in an isolated ward outside of Cleveland. My Mom had to travel by train to visit him. I know from what others said that this really drastically changed his personality. My Mom has said that at that time there were no social services that helped the patient and family re-enter into their life. I realize that he went from being a virile athlete to a man with a back brace, leg brace and either a cane or crutches, depending on how well he felt.

As I said, I was always frightened of my father, I remember trying to get through a room without him noticing me and that was a relief if I could manage. I also remember him being quiet,if we were driving somewhere, he wasn't one to chatter, or someone to fill in a silence with just idle chit-chat. I took that to be a mixture of his disapproval,disdain,or anger toward me. I also felt afraid to ask him anything, it always seemed to annoy him.

I have realized lately how much I love quiet and alone time. It is not a reflection of anyone else but just a need for a shut down of the idle chatter that is such a big part of the day. I love mornings before everyone gets up, I love spending time reading quietly by myself, I love just hanging out with my horse and breathing with him. No need to say a word.I,too, get tired of too many questions. I realize that it is just folks wanting to make a little conversation, or learn something. I just want to be left in the quiet.

It is not a statement against anyone or anything, just a respite. I think I now understand my father. The quiet is refreshing not angry. I never thought I was anything like him,but it appears that I am.

When Cancer was convenient?

I know this is an odd thing to think about. My mind is "out there" at times though.

I have been interviewing some agencies to get a little extra day time coverage. I don't know if I will need to start driving my husband to his radiation treatments at some point. I also would like to feel like I can work outside without worrying about my Mom. Sometimes I go out to do a few things in the yard or the studio, out of sight for 10 minutes, after checking on Mom. When I see that she is sleeping soundly, I dash out, to take care of something. Like a psychic link..........she awakes when I am out of sight....and I come in to find her struggling to get into her wheel chair to do something...either find the dog, or use the restroom...or looking for me. It scares the H out of me.

Anyway, although this cancer is a more treatable one than my husband dealt with 6 years
ago, it seems harder in many ways for me. I can't be as involved or helpful. Yes I am taking over as many chores as I can,but I can't be with him. I don't know the doctors like I did before.(Could be because we had to CHANGE doctors, since his insurance was no longer accepted at the previous hospital.)

Oddly though I was thinking, it was easier before....my parents were both alive and living in their apartment, mostly self sufficient. My grand-daughter was a baby and I didn't feel like if I weren't a part of her life on a regular basis she would forget me. We were younger, our family was younger....I don't know, as scarey as it was.....it just seemed easier to go with Arnie everywhere and be sitting there while he had treatment...now he goes by himself and I hope he knows I am thinking of him..

The Men in her life

About a week ago my Mom's hospice doctor came to check her. This is a visit that occurs three or four times a year. He is a very nice man, who recently welcomed his fourth child, I have no idea of how old he is. Probably in his 30's or 40?

My Mother came from a rather quiet state of mind to a flirtatious,rather witty person. This is not the first time that I have seen her act like this. You might remember back to the "My Brother, The Messiah" blog? She has also sat up from an almost "death" bed to chat with the husband of one of her visitors. The photo I used on this blog was from a lunch with my son and her great nephew. She loved it!

This is not exactly new. I remember when she and Dad were living in an assisted care facility. She was walking over to talk to someone at another table and two men stopped her to chat. She was just smiling and animated and winsome. I thought to myself, "She still has I-T". It made me smile then and it makes me smile now.

There is no doubt that she looks at men and women quite differently.She acts and reacts very differently. Good for her I say! I hope I still have "I-T" too at 89.