A love letter

Happy birthday to my husband. He is 71 today. I remember his 30th birthday. We have shared a lot of years together. Love is a funny and dynamic thing. I say it is dynamic because as a young woman there were things that were important to me that I kind of smile about now. All the times that I thought there was someone out there who would love me more, appreciate me more....I didn't think about the person who tolerated selfishness, PMS rages, bad meals, losing the bank deposits, not to mention illness, surgeries. The lack of daily compliments doesn't compare with trips to Europe, Wyoming and beach vacations. I have gone through many phases,but one thing has pretty much remained the same: Arnie was there. It is easy to see faults in everyone else, but not so easy to see one's own.

What I see as love today is that guy who has always been here for his family, who has always welcomed MY family in his home.Every Thanksgiving, he looks through his recipes to see what he can come up with to cook for his extended family. Although I may groan about "all the people", he is always happy to be making a dinner for his family. I remember years ago he said " I love to smell turkey cooking while my football games are on." The man who took care of my father so lovingly in his last days,who has cleaned up some unimaginable messes with me and who lovingly removes his grand-daughters foot from his head in the middle of night. We have had some spectacular fights and some spectacular make-ups! We have been through some incredibly sad experiences and some wild adventures in the past 41 years. Love is patience,tolerance and acceptance.

Thank you honey and happy birthday. I am glad to share this journey of life with you.

The Beauty of It

My Mom, as I said last time, had a pretty rough week until my brother came out. He spent a week here and spent about 24 hours with my sister, who arrived on the Friday following his arrival. We picked her up at the airport after having a nice lunch out. Not only was my brother healing for my Mom, but he was wonderful company for me. I so appreciate the man that he is. He has alot of love that he shares with everyone he comes in contact with.

Although the original plan had been for the 3 of us to be here with Mom over the weekend, it ended up with each sibling being here on their own, except for the 24 hour cross-over. My sister adds a sense of calm-ness to our lives and the positive outlook and encouragement that we all need about now!

The beauty of it is that the individual visits were wonderful. Not only for my Mother, who seems to get confused with more people around her, but for me and my husband. I got to have really special, loving and quality time with both my sister and my brother. My husband got to enjoy time with each of them too.

I am so fortunate to have this relationship. I know that not everyone enjoys or loves their siblings. We all have our foibles for sure, but they don't hold us apart from one another. I feel fortunate and blessed. Thanks to both of you! I love you both.

My brother, the Messiah: no offense intended

Many of you have probably received that email that has gone around about Jesus: the reasons why he was Jewish; Italian; Irish and so forth? In each one the mother is extolling the attributes of her son and why he must surely be God.

I don't want to offend anyone,seriously and truly, but my brother just might be the Messiah.

What a week. My Mother has continually declined and on Thursday night/Friday morning, things did not look good. In fact, she said on Friday that she was amazed that she had lived through the night. She had been unable to get out of bed and lay there with oxygen as she was having trouble breathing. I told her that both my sister and my brother would be here on Thursday. Her reply was that she hated to disappoint them but she really did not believe she would be around by Thursday. When her nurse arrived I asked what I should do,and she said to just tell my sister and brother what Mom had said. That no one could predict what would happen.

My sister has had her own health problems since May and this trip here will be the first time she has been allowed to fly. Her health is dependent on her doctors and it was necessary that she see them before she could go anywhere.

My brother and his wife felt he could and should fly in that night. He arrived at almost midnight.

The following morning when he walked into her bedroom and said "good morning" her face lit up and shone with happiness. For the first time in almost a week, she was able to get out of bed with little help. She wanted to dress. When she sat at the breakfast table with him, she ate her first good breakfast. She has since packed away 3 hearty meals. Her biggest fear is that he will leave in the middle of the night while she is sleeping. Even though she calls him by her (deceased) brother's name, she knows she loves him and that he is cute. I am just amazed at his healing abilities. I can only hope he buys a lottery ticket for me. (In all fairness, I too love him and think he is cute!)

Dimished dwindling, declining

These are the terms that describe my mother. The terms that might be used for me: confused,confounded,crazy. Mom had a really bad few days, in fact I thought she had
turned the corner, but on observation, her nurse said:"She is declining,but not actively dying." I don't know what any of this means really. When she was so sick
on Saturday and Sunday that she could not get up by herself (by that I mean from chair to wheelchair) I thought we were nearing the end.

And once again I was overwhelmed with a sadness. I don't want to lose her, but I know I all ready have. I really want the Mom I had 5 years ago, and even better 10 years ago. This tiny little quiet and confused lady; is she really my Mom? I don't even know how to describe or explain where I am at this moment. She is better today. I guess that is all I know.

Even when times are tough, she and I can still share a laugh and that is magic.
A friend of mine taught me to tap my palm and say "right here, right now". That is where I am today and of this moment. I have no idea where I will this afternoon.

Its baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

My husband has cancer, and while it isn't the same cancer as before or related to it, it is cancer and will need treatment. It is interesting how many men deal with prostate cancer and how many choices there are to made for treatment.

Here is what is so different this time, at least for me, maybe not for him or maybe he doesn't notice the difference. When he had cancer in 2005, I felt like we were a team. I went to every appointment, I went to radiation treatment with him...I stuck by his side like glue. I realized in those days that as much bickering as we might have done through the years over so many things, I didn't want to face life without him.

This time I am torn between caring for Mom on a daily basis and getting to be by his side. Without a caregiver around I can't go out with him. Is it selfish of me to be concerned about how I will split myself in two? What I will do if or when he can't drive himself to the last few weeks of radiation? I mean on days when I have no caregiver?

I miss our relationship: there are times that we don't bother to talk because Mom wants to know who we are talking about and if she knows them and how we know them, so by the time I explain,I forgot the message that John Doe had for Arnie when I ran into Joe at the grocery store. I know, its seems like a stupid complaint, but I miss my marriage.

Last night,out at a potluck, with Mom sitting in between us, it seemed metaphoric for our life. Arnie taking Mom to the car, getting her out of her wheelchair, buckling her in and covering her with a blanket; it makes me love him more and miss him more. I hope there will be time for us. I hope we get through this next hurdle. I apologize for any sounds of whining or negativity. I am just trying, as usual, to figure out how to handle everything.