This probably looks like a blank photo. It is a actually a photo of my son's glass of Sprite that his daughter,my grand-daughter took on Thanksgiving. It looks like nothing is there. It is apt for what I feel these days.
My life had been so involved in the schedule of caregiving set by my Mother's needs. I thought that when she had passed, I would go back to the old way of life, but I don't know what it is anymore.
So on days that I don't actually have to actually be someplace, I kind of wander around the house, not doing anything constructive, still no clean up or out of the room Mom was in. I just feel rudderless, direction-less and foggy.
My husband says that both parents were such a huge part of our lives ALL of our lives that of course we feel a huge loss and emptiness. He feels confident that we will re-define ourselves and our lives. Maybe, but when?
I am capable of working when I am scheduled to and showing up when I have plans. Otherwise, I just want to stay in bed and read. I guess that's its own form of denial.
I am still writing I guess because a)so many of you asked me to and b) I am still finishing up the journey.
Gloria, then let yourself read... you can write a to do list.. of things ( other than your mothers room) to do around the house... pick one thing on the days you are home... do it... then enjoy your reading time.. it is coping with loss. Today's society doesn't let members grieve.. they are expected to return to work 3 days after a death... and to perform in the same way they did before. Not gonna happen... they make people feel guilty for grieving. The stages will happen... not necessarily in order often overlapping... it happens as it needs to. she is with you... and thanking you for making her days comfortable and filled with love.
ReplyDeleteyou can use some of that love you showered on her... and direct it towards yourself. There are grief groups associated with the program that might help you discover your life that seems so illusive at this moment. gradually fill the hole in your life with things that give you joy. I love you,
Constance
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're still writing Aunt Gloria, I think it's very therapeutic and helps sort out feelings. I can't imagine all the feelings you must be feeling and I think you will redefine yourself and your lives in your own time. I love you and uncle Arnie very much and I am sending you both positive and warm thoughts during this time.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Constance - go ahead and lay in bed and read! You didn't get to do any of that when you were still taking care of Nana, so why not indulge now. And reading is "doing something" - who knows where your thoughts from reading (or sitting in the yard staring into space even) will lead you on your next step. If anyone was allowed some down time, I'd say it was you!
ReplyDeletexoxo, Lori