I never liked roller coasters! Not as a child, a teen, or an adult. I don't need to go out of my way to get scared.
These last 2 weeks have been more of a ride than I wanted or needed. My Mother, if we continue with coaster metaphors has hit the down hill part of the ride. The last 2 weeks have been mostly sleeping, little eating, except for 2 or 3 days this week. Then on a Monday a definate diagnosis of shingles. One of the worst cases that the nurse has seen in a long time. After being out briefly yesterday for errands and a hair cut, I came home to Mom with a fever and labored breathing. As prepared as I think I am, my heart pounded and my head felt it was going to split open. Morphine, of course, eases the breathing and the pain.
Today after having a bed bath and clean gown, Mom has slept for the past 12 hours. "What is happening?" I asked my husband? "You know what is happening" he answered.
The roller coaster is this: tomorrow, Mom may wake up and be hungry and thirsty. She may not be able to get out of bed to eat in the kitchen,but she may be lucid and talkative. Maybe she won't be. I don't know. I have the foolish thought that if I knew when, I could know what to do, how to act, how to be. Expectations? Can't be allowed the luxary. Wishes? That things could be the same as they were 10 years, or 5 or maybe last month.
my dearest Gloria, all you can do is be in the moment...and deal with what ever that moment offers... not a day, not an hour, nor a minute, but one moment at a time. This is all leading to her transition, and she has you to thank that she is not alone.
ReplyDeleteLove C
When my my mother, then 2 years later my father, passed I though I would be ready. I was witness to the decline. I knew they had lived long, happy, lives with each other. I knew he didn't want to be apart from her. I *knew* all of this and still the shock, the absence, yep the gaping absence of their presence was more than I could ever have anticipated.
ReplyDeleteI have so much love and respect for you and Arnie for the wonderful care you've given your mom. My arms, though virtual, are hugging you now. kimpuckett
And Kim, You know how she loves your "beautiful smile"
ReplyDeleteDearest Gloria,
ReplyDeleteYou are in my heart and thoughts each day. I am amazed at your strength and courage.
Sending loving and healing thoughts to you.
Karin
Aunt Gloria,
ReplyDeleteI admire you and Uncle Arnie so much for taking such wonderful care of grandma. I'm keeping everyone in my thoughts. Love you
Amanda
you are all so nice, but we aren't doing anything that anyone would not do....really! I am just talking to you on this blog because I want to talk "out loud"
ReplyDelete