When I think about how I feel tonight, since I know my Mom is failing, I am sad...but the truth is that I felt sad awhole lot earlier than this.
My Mom was always a person who knew what to do, who had an idea, and a plan. She usually was more than happy to share it with me, and at the very least, let me know what was wrong with mine, and how I might fix it. You might think I am being a wee bit sarcastic....and maybe I am, but there is a huge amount of truth in this. She always had great ideas and was a good sounding board. My Dad, who was actually a stepDad, but was part of my life for longer than my birth Dad, was a witty and sharp man. He was someone I played golf with, he was my husband's best friend, we traveled with them and spent alot of time with them. They enjoyed great friends of their own and lived a full and active social life.
About 4 or 5 years ago, all this changed. Maybe it changed slowly but it seemed pretty fast to me. Suddenly I was writing the checks, the banking, the book keeping; I was changing the light bulbs, doing the laundry, the grocery shopping. Sometimes I opened the door to their apartment to find both sitting there, sleeping so soundly that they never heard me come in.
Mom no longer had good ideas for me;she didn't much care what my "problems" were. My Dad told my husband that he just couldn't physically handle the trips down to the DiamondBacks games. My husband eventually gave up the tickets as no one else was as
good a sports companion.
And I would drive home after my afternoons of service there, wondering where my parents were. Sometimes I would just come home and lay on the bed looking at the ceiling because it all seemed too overwhelming. The sadness started then...now its just different,because things are not as hugely different as they were. I am used to it, if that is at all possible. Today she is still here.
My Mom is 80, back in Alabama - she's the youngest of five siblings, and one of the last remaining two. Dad died when he was 67, thirteen years ago.
ReplyDeleteShe seems physically sound enough - tough as old leather - but she seems to be emotionally fragile; anything that comes along can unbalance her. She doesn't want to address things - she wants them to go away.
I don't expect Mom's health to fail - I sorta expect her to give way all at once, like an old Toyota. But it's strange to see her respond to troubles like she does - she was always so resilient.
I often think, as we age, that the energy it takes to problem solve is more than the body can handle, since most of the bodies energy is taken up with maintaining a winding down health system. My father in his 80's is also emotionally fragile, like his body his psyche bruises easily. As this seems to have developed as part of the decline process, it must have its roots or reasons for taking place. Maybe an emotional based perspective at this stage of life provides us with a security of sorts and works well for someone ready to cross over, so that logical scrutiny of the process is kept at bay. The question of what comes next rests more comfortably in the emotional aspect of ourselves.
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