Its baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

My husband has cancer, and while it isn't the same cancer as before or related to it, it is cancer and will need treatment. It is interesting how many men deal with prostate cancer and how many choices there are to made for treatment.

Here is what is so different this time, at least for me, maybe not for him or maybe he doesn't notice the difference. When he had cancer in 2005, I felt like we were a team. I went to every appointment, I went to radiation treatment with him...I stuck by his side like glue. I realized in those days that as much bickering as we might have done through the years over so many things, I didn't want to face life without him.

This time I am torn between caring for Mom on a daily basis and getting to be by his side. Without a caregiver around I can't go out with him. Is it selfish of me to be concerned about how I will split myself in two? What I will do if or when he can't drive himself to the last few weeks of radiation? I mean on days when I have no caregiver?

I miss our relationship: there are times that we don't bother to talk because Mom wants to know who we are talking about and if she knows them and how we know them, so by the time I explain,I forgot the message that John Doe had for Arnie when I ran into Joe at the grocery store. I know, its seems like a stupid complaint, but I miss my marriage.

Last night,out at a potluck, with Mom sitting in between us, it seemed metaphoric for our life. Arnie taking Mom to the car, getting her out of her wheelchair, buckling her in and covering her with a blanket; it makes me love him more and miss him more. I hope there will be time for us. I hope we get through this next hurdle. I apologize for any sounds of whining or negativity. I am just trying, as usual, to figure out how to handle everything.