Then and Now #3: (the last one)

Get...........The..........Belt!

Few of you might remember those terrifying words! Today the kid would call Child Protective Services if they heard that. When I was growing up, I heard that ALOT. I was "active" and frequently in need of "a change of attitude." When my Mom would threaten that Dad would punish me when he came home...or Dad would threaten with those terrifying words "Get the belt", I felt cold, deep fear! As alot of you will remember, my Dad was on crutches so those words brought out that instinct to flee....usually right up the stairs and into a locked bedroom. I may have faulty memory but I don't remember an actual spanking with a belt. The words alone changed behavior.

Today, when I say those words, it is because my Mom has been weakening enough so that even she knows we need a gait belt. A soft, padded support that helps me when her knees are buckling, or she is too weak to make the transition from recliner to wheelchair. It felt odd when I had to call out to my husband to "Get the belt". It is a weird case of "Turnabout". One to change behavior, the other a result of changed behavior.

Then and Now: #2

The story with Santa photo is this: The black and white is of me at about 5 or 6...my Dad had taken me to have my photo. That,in itself is interesting because my Dad was pretty strict about us being Jewish and NOT even pretending to celebrate Christmas. He told my Mom that just as the photo was snapped, I was telling Santa that we were Jewish and didn't celebrate Christmas. I don't know if that is true or not, but obviously I was talking about something.

The color photo was a whim. My Mom was feeling pretty good on Monday of last week. My sister wanted to go to the outlet mall, so the 3 of us went. As we passed Santa's little house, I said "Shall we?" My sister thought it would be a great memory maker. So here you go. When we show the photo to folks,my mother remarks what a very nice that was.

Then and Now: #1

Have not written anything in awhile. Holiday preparations and other things going on. All is well though. Including my son fixing my comments page.

I use this blog to verbalize thoughts that I have and walk around with...I am letting them go I guess.

I was re-filling my Mom's daily pill box and the thought occured of the first time that I did that. It was a maybe four or five years ago. My parents still lived in ChrisRidge and my Mom was recovering from a TIA and a septic bladder infection. We had hired a nurse's aid. My brother originally filled the pill box and reminded me that I would have to do this once a week after he left to go home. I felt a huge wash of panic. I never thought I could remember what pill went where, what each pill was. He actually wrote on the back of the box what went into each cup.

Wow, who how much of a no-brainer this would grow to be. Like the least of my duties today.

And some things never do!

My Mother spent most of her life at a much heavier weight. She spent a great deal of her time dieting and/or looking for the next good diet. Where do you I learned that from? I have lived with the dilemma all my life. I have been educated on many issues: not to wear horizontal stripes is a big one!

My Mom weighed 86 pounds at last her weighing, now she may even weigh less. She still sees herself as heavy. When we were out last week, I saw this little outfit by one of her favorite clothing manufacturers and got it for her.

When I took it out to dress her, she was horrified! "I can't wear horizontal stripes!". Yes, Mom, at 86 pounds, you definitely can!

Some Things have Changed

Recently we were talking to Mom's hospice nurse and a nurse in training during their weekly visit. For some reason we talked about traveling and I was reminded of my parents travels and later on, the summers they in spent in Colorado with their friends.

They had a wonderful group of close friends that they met when they moved into their first apartment. They added a few other couples on when they got active in our synagogue. At any rate, this group stayed close for all the years that they lived. Mom and 2 or 3 others are the only ones that are still alive as far as I know.

My parents traveled to England, Scotland, Wales, Norway, Sweden, Copenhagen and Israel..wonderful places and we have wonderful photos to remember those trips. After my folks drove across the country and back through Canada, they traveled to places in the North and South West. Later they found summer rentals in Colorado. They rented ski condos for the summer. Many of their friends also rented places there. Most of the times they stayed for one or two months. The fun that they had in Phoenix, continued in Colorado.

When I was telling the nurses about this, I realized that this is not something that most people could not afford to do today, especially retired people. Even more amazing, when I thought about it, most of the men were retired salesmen, not professionals ie: (doctors, or attorneys,accountants)They were folks who had worked all their lives and retired with some savings. These kinds of things that most of the folks that are retired (read hubby and I) these days just can no longer do. My Dad's stock accounts were steady and income-producing; their home was paid for. The owners of the condos were happy to have people in the condos, the prices were reasonable. In later years, the condos were sold to a large Japanese corporation and the prices were raised to rates that were no longer affordable.

It is just another example of our changing world, the loss of simple times. I am so happy that they did have the wonderful group of friends that they enjoyed, how wonderful that was for them. I am also happy that they were able to have travels and the adventures that were able to experience. It is hard to accept that most people these are times that won't happen for them!

The value of tension

Last Saturday, I had planned to fly into Los Angeles for the day. I do that when the gem show is in Santa Monica and I need supplies. I felt kind of worn out (not from decision fatigue,I think actual exhaustion). My daughter, who would have been picking me up, was not feeling great either. So we decided to cancel our plans.

I have thought from time to time about an ad on the internet for flotation companies. You get into warm salt water, in a private pod, close the hatch and float for an hour. Uninterrupted,alone and quiet....quietly suspended. The ads say that an hour of this is like 8 full hours of sleep. I was able to book an appointment for that afternoon.

It was a strange feeling because I am not all that good at simply relaxing these days....I was wishing I could read a book,(not possible), feared being bored and on and on.. I finally was able to really let go with some meditative breathing. I actually did fall asleep.

After finishing my hour, I felt great and full of energy. About an hour and a half later, I was so tired that I thought my bones had turned to jelly. I was good for nuthin! I did sleep well but awoke on Sunday completely lazy and unable to do a thing other than nap and lay around. I remembered this happened when I had a hot stone massage months ago. I thought at the time that I was just too relaxed and I didn't like it. I mean I need that adrenaline to get things done. There is a value of tension...isn't that what used to make clocks run?

Being the daughter

Early on when we signed with Hospice of the Valley, one of the nurses or social workers mentioned that at some point I might need to think of moving my Mother so that I could enjoy just"being her daughter". I feel like I am nearing that point but how do I every make that transition? It would be a huge change and I worry that she would feel discarded. I know I would feel incredibly guilty.

On the other hand, my day,when I don't have a caregiver, is reduced to taking Mom to the bathroom and making meals. I am truly feeling like I have lost myself. In addition, I am resentful and impatient. Confused and sad.

Could I be cruel enough to send her away and thereby changing my role from worn out caregiver to loving daughter? I have no idea how anyone makes these kinds of decisions. I wish I knew.