When me babies was babies

I am feeling emotional of late. I have been told we become child-like as we age. I now have some friends who are care-taking parents and they are experiencing similar situations.

I mean, look, this blog is named Turnabout is Fair Play? This care taking for adult children is only amplified at the times I become part of the "sandwich generation". These are the times I have my grand daughter visiting. She is 6 years old now and the best part of my life. I am struck at how my grand-daughter is now far more self-sufficient than my mother.

My Mom is really not much taller than my grand-daughter at this point.She continues to shrink, probably due to spinal stenosis. I always tease her and say that one day I will come in to wake her and only an empty nightgown will be in the bed. Other times I say, she will be pocket size and I can take her everywhere in my pocket. Sure we laugh about it, but seeing her as I dress her or help her in the bathroom makes me sad.

Other times, I see the child after settling her on a sofa, with her blanket and newspaper and I pick up the phone to make a call but she needs something N-O-W. We cannot wait. If I am talking to a guest, she interrupts to ask a question that relates to nothing we have been talking about. When I finally settle her in and get the t.v. channel that she wants, she needs to get up to go to the bathroom. If we are watching something she doesn't like, she lowers her chair and says she wants to go to bed N-O-W. If we change the channel, she stays up.

Other child-like things: pointing and saying "look" because the words are too hard to come up with. At bed time, finding this the time to talk about life, hopes, wishes, and memories. We do not have these discussions during the day time. Much like my babies when I got them in bed...that was the time to talk. The old "stall" tactic.

Fears are still there: the doors being locked, are the lights on, something is burning, what if the washing machine breaks? Questions upon questions, again like a child asks.

When my babies were babies I knew they would grow out of the inability to take care of themselves. I knew they would be able to dress themselves, toilet themselves and get into bed by themselves one day. The only respite here will be to lose her and I don't want that.

If I could have any wish possible, I would wish that we were both young again. Of course, I would want to know what I know today...I would do a better job at lots of things.

Baby Steps

This is a beautiful photo of Mom supporting me as I walk. I think of many blogs that I could write when I look at this photo, but I will write what my thoughts are about lately. This is how blogs usually come about: I have a little seed of a thought, and/or I think of the name of a blog that I want to write.

"Anyhoo", as Mom would say: My Mother has taught me things all of my life and the amazing thing, since she is 89 and I am 64, is that I'm still learning from her. I know it isn't her formally teaching, it is just what I'm learning in this process.

I am talking about patience, tolerance, what is important,not forgetting to take care of self to be better able to help others, don't plan too far ahead, being flexible and so on.

On a day to day basis, I try to stay loose, not to make unbreakable plans and not to get too caught in having my own way. At this point in my life, it is not about me. However, I certainly don't do this perfectly!

What Mom has taught me, is that most of the stuff is "little" not hugely important and almost anything can be changed or left out. A meal happens when it does and it isn't always the food I had planned on. My time to"do" something or go somewhere, isn't always when or how I want to.

The people who are in and out on a regular basis almost everyday don't always put things were I want them or do the things I think I would like them to, but they afford me time to be by myself, to meet with my friends,or to do errands.

I am far more capable than I ever thought I was or could be. I am doing things I had never planned on doing. Being mad and impatient doesn't help much...it wastes a lot of my energy. It is far more productive to say "hmmm" and move on to the next thing. People are people and they pretty much stay who they are and if I want to see them I need to accept them as they are, not who or how I would like them to be. There are few things that I MUST do; I know this because when I can't,the world keeps on turning.


I have learned that what is in important in a spouse is not that he bring flowers daily but that he never goes to bed without making coffee so that it brews before I get up. When I am so tired I have to fall into bed with the promise of cleaning up in the morning, that I wake up to a clean kitchen. That kindness is making sure my Mom gets a kiss from him every night. Love changes,grows,takes different shapes and still can last if we let it make its changes.

I know that when Mom taught me to walk, she probably never realized that she would still be teaching me to "walk" even at this late time in our lives.

More to follow provoked by this wonderful photo. By the way, I was about one year old in that photo!

Family times

Just recently I was with some friends and we got to talking about growing up ,and eating dinner with our families. Most of us are now 60-ish and our kids are long gone. I am always amazed that somehow I managed to come up with a dinner for 4 people most nights of the week. Now that my children are gone, it seems like an amazing task.

Before my Mom moved in with us, Arnie and I would grab something very simple and frequently eat on a t.v. tray....watching the news or some other program. My Mom finds it hard to eat that way. So now, I usually cook something and we eat at the kitchen table again. Most times, I have no idea what to make although some weeks I am better at planning.

What my friends and I were sharing with each other, was how most of our families sat down at a dinner table together, usually the same time every evening and ate a well prepared meal that included the food groups and a dessert. My Mom cooked for 5 people for as long as I can remember, and after my sister left for college, 4 of us, then just for she and my father until he died. She and my 2nd father ate together every night too, usually at the same time....in our family,dinner was at 5:30, come rain or shine.

My Mom washed, ironed, mangled sheets (for those of you who remember them days!), was in charge of a 3 story home, with an attic... our yard was large. She kept the house cleaned and well stocked. I know we had help maybe once a week. She didn't work outside of the home but she sure must have worked inside it!

I remember our kitchen so well and I remember it fondly. My father made our table out of an old door that he stained green. It was built in against an outside wall and it was big. My sister helped Mom with the dishes. (I apologize for the photo Sharon, but dig the jeans and saddle shoes!).The little guy is my brother. I have no idea why there were no photos of me in this group. I either ran outside as soon as I could, or was in my room, being punished for not eating. It was a lovely livable home and a good time to grow up in.

Scatter Pins

Scatter pins....I can hear Oprah saying it for some reason: "SCAAAAAAAAAAATer PIIIIIIIINS."

Mom wanted to look through her jewelry boxes the other day and we had a nice time remembering things, I had to admit to her that as a kid, I used to love to go through
her jewelry box and look at things..(maybe this is when it all started, check out my website: www.aquariusrancharts.com.)

Anyway, I found these cute little pins and remembered that they were called "scatter pins". Presumably because they were worn just anywhere on a suit jacket or blouse.The ones that I remember her wearing the most were the bugs. Kind of strange choice. I do remember her wearing them frequently.

Just wanted to share this little memory. Share yours too.

Quiet Please

My father, Leonard, not to be confused with my step-dad Bob, was a person that I remember being terrified of. He died when I was in my 20's, just after my daughter's 1st birthday. (She will be 40 this year,just to give you some reference.)

My father had had polio and spinal meningitis when my sister was around 3 and I was not yet born. He was hospitalized for a year in an isolated ward outside of Cleveland. My Mom had to travel by train to visit him. I know from what others said that this really drastically changed his personality. My Mom has said that at that time there were no social services that helped the patient and family re-enter into their life. I realize that he went from being a virile athlete to a man with a back brace, leg brace and either a cane or crutches, depending on how well he felt.

As I said, I was always frightened of my father, I remember trying to get through a room without him noticing me and that was a relief if I could manage. I also remember him being quiet,if we were driving somewhere, he wasn't one to chatter, or someone to fill in a silence with just idle chit-chat. I took that to be a mixture of his disapproval,disdain,or anger toward me. I also felt afraid to ask him anything, it always seemed to annoy him.

I have realized lately how much I love quiet and alone time. It is not a reflection of anyone else but just a need for a shut down of the idle chatter that is such a big part of the day. I love mornings before everyone gets up, I love spending time reading quietly by myself, I love just hanging out with my horse and breathing with him. No need to say a word.I,too, get tired of too many questions. I realize that it is just folks wanting to make a little conversation, or learn something. I just want to be left in the quiet.

It is not a statement against anyone or anything, just a respite. I think I now understand my father. The quiet is refreshing not angry. I never thought I was anything like him,but it appears that I am.

When Cancer was convenient?

I know this is an odd thing to think about. My mind is "out there" at times though.

I have been interviewing some agencies to get a little extra day time coverage. I don't know if I will need to start driving my husband to his radiation treatments at some point. I also would like to feel like I can work outside without worrying about my Mom. Sometimes I go out to do a few things in the yard or the studio, out of sight for 10 minutes, after checking on Mom. When I see that she is sleeping soundly, I dash out, to take care of something. Like a psychic link..........she awakes when I am out of sight....and I come in to find her struggling to get into her wheel chair to do something...either find the dog, or use the restroom...or looking for me. It scares the H out of me.

Anyway, although this cancer is a more treatable one than my husband dealt with 6 years
ago, it seems harder in many ways for me. I can't be as involved or helpful. Yes I am taking over as many chores as I can,but I can't be with him. I don't know the doctors like I did before.(Could be because we had to CHANGE doctors, since his insurance was no longer accepted at the previous hospital.)

Oddly though I was thinking, it was easier before....my parents were both alive and living in their apartment, mostly self sufficient. My grand-daughter was a baby and I didn't feel like if I weren't a part of her life on a regular basis she would forget me. We were younger, our family was younger....I don't know, as scarey as it was.....it just seemed easier to go with Arnie everywhere and be sitting there while he had treatment...now he goes by himself and I hope he knows I am thinking of him..

The Men in her life

About a week ago my Mom's hospice doctor came to check her. This is a visit that occurs three or four times a year. He is a very nice man, who recently welcomed his fourth child, I have no idea of how old he is. Probably in his 30's or 40?

My Mother came from a rather quiet state of mind to a flirtatious,rather witty person. This is not the first time that I have seen her act like this. You might remember back to the "My Brother, The Messiah" blog? She has also sat up from an almost "death" bed to chat with the husband of one of her visitors. The photo I used on this blog was from a lunch with my son and her great nephew. She loved it!

This is not exactly new. I remember when she and Dad were living in an assisted care facility. She was walking over to talk to someone at another table and two men stopped her to chat. She was just smiling and animated and winsome. I thought to myself, "She still has I-T". It made me smile then and it makes me smile now.

There is no doubt that she looks at men and women quite differently.She acts and reacts very differently. Good for her I say! I hope I still have "I-T" too at 89.