Hope

Hope: not as in Obama Hope, although he was the last President that my Dad voted for. He was thrilled to live to see the first Black (okay 1/2 Black President)...but this ain't politics and with all the governmental financial hoopla that goes on, my finances are of my own making, I can't blame it on any president.

Hope is something that I wish I had a bit more of these days...I don't even know what to hope for. I am just tired tonight. I just got Mom into bed and she is not feeling at all well.

I would like to wake up one morning and feel energized. I would like to feel like I got enough rest. I would like to sit and have my coffee and think...and not be listening for anything or be on the alert. I quickly feed the cat and let out the dog. I put an ice cube in my coffee so I can drink it fast enough to get the caffeine kick that I need to walk outside.

I would like to not feel guilty about giving my horses their breakfast quickly,giving each a scratch in their favorite place (Rebel, his back, Cisco, the belly) and say, "Gotta get inside boys, My Mom might need me" If it is early enough, I can scoop poop in the round pen, since Arnie does everything else out there. My horses, owning them was a dream come true, now they are 27 and 29 years, pretty aged for horses. By the time I care for the finches in the aviary, I feel like I can't take care of one more living thing....and my Mother isn't awake yet, or my husband.

My Mom gets up and calls me, she looks cute in her bed and smiles sweetly. I uncover her and change her adult "briefs" (diapers), and clean her up and re-brief her. If the Hospice LPN isn't coming, I dress her in bed;at least her socks, pants and shoes. Then I get her up into the wheelchair and put her on the toilet for the first time. While she is there, I clean her teeth, put on the polident and hand them to her. Then wipe her. I get her back on the chair and take off the gown, then put on her bra,carefully lifting each breast into their cup and then her shirt. I comb her hair, clean the hearing aids and put them in and then clean her glasses and place them on. Also her wrist watch.

Into the kitchen, where I have all ready written the day of the week on her board, with pertinent information of who is coming for the day. I also have photos of Mom with each person that comes here and sometimes I need to put those out, if she can't remember who is who. I have her pills ready to go with her. I make a breakfast that I hope is enticing and that she will eat. This is only the beginning of the day.

So H-O-P-E? I can hope I see my grand-daughter soon, or that my daughter calls to fill me in on her busy life, that I can get something done, including errands, groceries and such in the time that a caregiver is here.

Hope? what would I hope for? If I hope for more freedom, I am hoping she will die, if I hope to have time to myself, I have to have someone in the house to be with her....I hope that my husband doesn't get cancer again, so I can re-new our relationship. Sometimes I wonder who will go first; my horses or my Mother. I hope that the jewelry in the gallery sells and that I feel creative enough to replace any sales...tonight I hope for a good nights sleep and maybe wake up feeling energized,rested and hopeful for a day....but as one of my friend's said to me,"The thing that sets you free, will the thing that makes you the saddest." So what do I hope for?