I am still very involved in reading Passages for Caregivers. While it is so supportive of many things in my life right now (the problem of not being able to sleep through the nights, no appetite, or ravenous,feeling guilty about doing anything for myself, being about not having time to myself...)
What is hard right now is that the author is writing about her journey with her husband, who had esophageal cancer, his recurrences and the effects from damage due to radiation. This not only scares the Hell out of me, but also makes me resentful. Will I have time left for him? Will he last longer than my Mother? Will I last longer than my Mother? Will I get to spend time with my grand-daughter before she is too old to want to hang out with me? There are days that I just don't know for sure. Lately this has been on my mind much of the time. How much of me will be left for anyone else, or even me.
I do know that I can't obsess about all this, and I try to breathe and say that I have to live life on life's terms but scarey thoughts do creep in. I go from feeling good and supported to feeling sad and scared.
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