In response to some of you...I did not write the blog to embarrass my Mother. I think this is a sad and uncomfortable situation for both of us. What I was trying to express here, is the feeling of not being qualified enough to know what the medication cocktail is for optimum function. When systems are not functioning well....life is VERY hard, very painful. There is certainly a huge amount of fear when the nurse walks out and its ME and Mom.
I am not trying to get folks to say how amazing I am, how sad this is... or fishing for sympathy. I HATE that this is how my Mom's life is now and my inability to do a darn thing about it.
Is it time to make changes? I don't know. Is it possible that I won't be able to have her here until the end? I don't know. The only therapist that I saw, told me that we needed to have her in a care center environment. This was a year and a half ago.
The times that I see my Mom at her most vulnerable are not toilet times but when she is
trying to brush her teeth. She stands at the sink, so small and frail, working so hard to do a perfect job. Somehow that stays in my mind the most. The little-ness of her.
this all makes sense to me. I don't understand - were people complaining about your last blog entry? Your blog is an opportunity for you to vent and express your feelings whatever they are. The fact that you let those feelings be public to your family and friends is very special because it gives us insight to your life that we would not otherwise have, and because we love you that is important.
ReplyDeleteIf people are uncomfortable reading the truth of your situation then they shouldn't read your blog. I never took as you "fishing" for anything or as something embarrassing to grandma (I doubt she's going online reading your blog).
you say what you need to say on your own blog and don't apologize for anything.
We love you!
Lori
Gloria- I hope that nobody made you feel that you had to explain yourself or apologize for your previous blog. It said things that my brother and I discussed many times during the 10 years or so that my mother was suffering from dementia. I especially felt medically overwhelmed the entire day that my mother died and still suffer from guilt at not knowing how to help her and for trusting the hospice nurses on the phone (despite my instincts) who turned out to be wrong. I would have written your blog if I was a good enough writer. It is a poignant, well written expression of the way you are seeing your difficult and very sad caregiving experience, and resonates, or will some day, with many. You are doing an amazing job and a mitzvah and should be proud of your ability to capture these wrenching times in such eloquent words.
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