Now where have I been?????????????

It has been a long month for sure. I have had lots of commitments to complete, so I have not had the time to sit and think about things to write about. I have certainly had alot of topics in mind lately and will do a bit more writing this month,or at least I plan to.

So much of our life is centered around our 12 Step programs. They are pretty much who I am and how I live, so it takes up alot of my daily life. I wouldn't change that for anything. Last year we had decided to attend the AA International convention in San Antonio. It celebrated 75 years of AA. I knew it was going to be B-I-G and I thought it would be great to be there. These are held only every 5 years and it takes that long to plan for the 55,000 plus who attend.

I had made the arrangements a year ago and registered as soon as I could. At that time, since Mom was self sufficient in dressing, showering and toileting, my brother was going to come out and be her caregiver. Now these things require another's person's aid. I had lined up our regular caregiver to stay for the 4 and 1/2 days that we would be gone (this included travel time). My brother would come out to visit later in the month.

Mom decided a few weeks before we were leaving that she did not like or want the caregiver that we have had for close to a year...and began to complain about her clothes being shrunk, being forced to eat too much, not liking the food she was given and so on. The beauty of Hospice of the Valley is that we can call for a visit from Mom's social worker to talk over the necessity of our having a life. Mom got teary when she said we had not left her for this long before. She said she would rather be in the hospital then left at home: the social worker assured her that she would not really like that. So did the Chaplain later in the week....and the nurse.... and her Hospice visitor. As Mom talked more and more about how she would rather be in the hospital, she managed to end up with a fever and an infection. My siblings, the social worker, the nurse and my friends all told me that if I pulled out of the trip I would never go away again. Even so, Arnie and weighed the financial losses of not going. I wasn't sleeping; Mom wasn't talking. It was a horrible week.

The turning point was Mom getting better and so,we decided to go. It is hard to believe that we will be 75 (Arnie) and 68 (me) before we get another chance to go to an International.So it did seem important to go now. The anger and resentment I felt over the emotional upheavals of the prior to going were probably not good for any of us. I am grateful to have gone, grateful to all who helped while we were gone and determined to take back a little more of my life. Did I feel guilty? Do I feel guilty? More to follow.