"You had me at hello", no really! you did!

Yesterday as I was driving I heard an NPR story about a new "app" that analyzes why some movie catch phrases are catchier than others. It was an interesting interview and lots of famous movie clips were played("you know how to whistle, don't you?" "You can't handle the truth" and "Go ahead make my day." I don't want to go into the actual story too much because I might mislead you readers.

The one that I thought about the most was "You had me at hello" from Renee Zwellweger to Tom Cruise in the movie "Jerry Maguire". I was thinking of opening our front door the first time that I met my husband. My mother as I said before had discussed fixing us up with his mother. The idea was that I would show this 29 year old soon to be divorced guy around the town with a special detail to where the singles go. As my Mother said, "you don't have to marry him, just show him where he might meet people."

So after he called me, we agreed to go out and just kind of talk. I had no expectations: this was an almost 30 year old guy, who was getting divorced, that my Mom had never met, but his "brothers were very nice looking."

I do remember opening that door so many years ago and thinking that the guy was not bad at all. I was pleasantly surprised. When I think back on it....he did have me at hello!

Looking Good, at any age............

I always loved this photo...all of the women are lovely...from the youngest to the oldest. Of course, this is a professional photo,but still. We live in a world of illusion. The greatest of which is how we look.

The inspiration for this blog was my recent dental work. I am having 2 caps put on my front teeth and I am hoping that this enhances my appearance. I was thinking about it during the 3 plus hours that I spent in the dental chair. Thinking about smiling and maybe changing my hair style and looking good. Next thought was how the 2 young women working on me would get a laugh out of this (because I know what they are thinking, right?) "how does this old gal think she is going to look better? Why does she care? Look at those lines..."

Of course, this brings thoughts back to my Mom. At 89 she would look in the mirror and wish she looked better, wished she could have "some work",longed for the days of youth again. I just thought somewhat like my assumptions of those younger women..."why does she care, she is 89." Never realizing that we want to still be admired at any age!

Don't forget to tell someone today that you admire them. That you admire the way they look, the way they act and the gifts they bring to the world!

Scissors and tweezers! Oh my!

One of my friends asked me recently what I would suggest to do ahead of time so as not to leave any loose ends if she died before her spouse. Or to be sure to simplify matters left for her children.

I am not legally or financially savvy..believe me. I just have handled things as best I can. Here are a few things to check: be sure the social security was properly recorded before the person dies. If the deceased leaves anything to their spouse who is deceased prior, be sure those papers are updated after the first death, to someone who is likely to be alive after the second death.

And most importantly, look at your stuff and see what is necessary to hold on to. I have moved my parents 3 times. The first time my brother and I cleaned out cabinets in the bathroom, there were 17 brand new toothbrushes from the dentist who gives them out on each visit.

The cuticle scissors and tweezers in this photo is just another example of what do I do with stuff? There is nothing wrong with any of them as far as I can see. Maybe a bit out dated, I haven't seen a cuticle scissors used in years. They are of good quality. I have a few pair of my own, so I don't think I can keep them. No one in the family wants them....but they are good so
where do they go? Lots of little stuff like this.....nice key chains, nothing
expensive or worth anything, but decent...all with "R's" on them. If I keep all these things, my own children have to dispose of more keychains, that are cute with "G's" or "A's" or horses or cats on them, in addition to the "R's". Not to mention our cuticle scissors,nippers, and such.

Do we need this many scissors? If you wonder what to do to make life easier for those you leave behind? Just keep what you need.....

And of course this comes from someone who finally cleaned out the closet, the shoe rack and shredded 3 boxes of unused checks. When one's 6 year old grand-daughter asks "How is the room coming?",it is time to do something. But, does anyone want the scissors?

Empty,full, what?

This probably looks like a blank photo. It is a actually a photo of my son's glass of Sprite that his daughter,my grand-daughter took on Thanksgiving. It looks like nothing is there. It is apt for what I feel these days.

My life had been so involved in the schedule of caregiving set by my Mother's needs. I thought that when she had passed, I would go back to the old way of life, but I don't know what it is anymore.

So on days that I don't actually have to actually be someplace, I kind of wander around the house, not doing anything constructive, still no clean up or out of the room Mom was in. I just feel rudderless, direction-less and foggy.

My husband says that both parents were such a huge part of our lives ALL of our lives that of course we feel a huge loss and emptiness. He feels confident that we will re-define ourselves and our lives. Maybe, but when?

I am capable of working when I am scheduled to and showing up when I have plans. Otherwise, I just want to stay in bed and read. I guess that's its own form of denial.

I am still writing I guess because a)so many of you asked me to and b) I am still finishing up the journey.

It's okay to throw away the toothbrushes.....

"Its okay to throw away the toothbrushes", my Aunt Bonnie says, in a phone call last week. She knows, having lost her husband a year ago. It has been 2 weeks today since my mother died. I have not done anything with her things. My sister packed a few things that she had been promised. I walk into the room and look around and walk out.

I was in the bathroom that was Mom's and I thought I ought to at least throw away the toothbrushes, the polident and special cream that we used for skin breakage. I go in with a good intention, but leave without doing anything.

I mean these are things that no one else will ever use, and they certainly don't hold any nostalgic meaning. I don't know what holds me back. I miss her. I will get to these things, but can't say when.

It is all strange, because the clothes, the shoes;they aren't things I would wear and yet, it is hard to not have them. At least there is no need to hurry or make room for someone else. I am not asking for help, I can do this and I want to do it on my own.

Stuff is funny though, it has a life and a meaning of its own. As my oldest niece might say: "Blergh"

The End of the Journey: The last blog

On December 18th, one week ago, my Mom got her wish and passed away. She had consistantly said that she had had an amazing life, with 2 wonderful husbands that she loved very much. She had had a wonderful circle of friends;she had enjoyed her children,her grandchildren and even great-grandchild.

Her husbands had preceded her in death, most all of her friends were gone and her world continued to narrow as both her eyesight AND hearing were very bad, probably because her bad heart had inhibited her oxygen flow.
We had talked about this frequently. In the last few weeks of her life, she had had less strength and getting her in and out of bed was getting harder and verging on my being unable to do this alone. She worried about that, although I told her that we were getting a new caregiver that could help me.

Just like her husband 3 years ago, on a Monday, she expressed to her Hospice nurse and doctor that she wanted to chose her date for passing. I think Wednesday morning, we had our last real conversation;I am sure it was of inconsequential things. She didn't respond or get up or eat again.

My brother called on Friday to say to pick him up that evening, he was on his way in. I expressed that we didn't know if she could or would rally. His response was pretty much, "see you tonight". On Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m. I was told that we would be able to have continuous care nurses. The first that arrived arranged the room, and then asked if I would like to help her bathe Mom. We each took a side and gently washed and lotioned Mom, changed her gown and combed her hair. The angel, er nurse, positioned her with lots of pillows and rolled up towels, so that no part of her would be uncomfortable in her fragile state. My cousins came out to say their good-byes. My son and his daughter came later in the day. Although we had not planned on having Toni come into the room, she was insistant on seeing "Little Grama" and "no" was not an option. Her whispered words to "Little Grama" stay in my heart and my memory.

The nurse shift changed at midnight. Something about that nurse made me feel like I could go to bed. It was the best night sleep that I had had for a month. At 6:30 a.m., she wakened all of us and said that things had changed. Mom stayed with us through the 8 a.m. shift when a young and very competant young woman arrived.

At 9:20 a.m. Mom took her last breath and the 3 of us let her go, hopefully to a wonderful,peaceful and easy place. Death takes a week and then a breath. It was weird.

The last angels, Dawn, Marcia and Britt were truely God sent. Debbie, her case nurse and Lynne her CNA always went above and beyond. Dottie our special Hospice Chaplain was a gentle guide till the very last. I did not get to know Mom's Social Worker, Paula well, but I know Mom appreciated her visits, with their heads together talking softly.

Life looks so different now and who knows how it will re-define itself? How the family re-adjusts its boundaries. This journey has been hard, easy, unexpected, beautiful and the best education I have ever had. Thank you Mom, it was amazing.

Let me off the roller coaster................

I never liked roller coasters! Not as a child, a teen, or an adult. I don't need to go out of my way to get scared.

These last 2 weeks have been more of a ride than I wanted or needed. My Mother, if we continue with coaster metaphors has hit the down hill part of the ride. The last 2 weeks have been mostly sleeping, little eating, except for 2 or 3 days this week. Then on a Monday a definate diagnosis of shingles. One of the worst cases that the nurse has seen in a long time. After being out briefly yesterday for errands and a hair cut, I came home to Mom with a fever and labored breathing. As prepared as I think I am, my heart pounded and my head felt it was going to split open. Morphine, of course, eases the breathing and the pain.

Today after having a bed bath and clean gown, Mom has slept for the past 12 hours. "What is happening?" I asked my husband? "You know what is happening" he answered.

The roller coaster is this: tomorrow, Mom may wake up and be hungry and thirsty. She may not be able to get out of bed to eat in the kitchen,but she may be lucid and talkative. Maybe she won't be. I don't know. I have the foolish thought that if I knew when, I could know what to do, how to act, how to be. Expectations? Can't be allowed the luxary. Wishes? That things could be the same as they were 10 years, or 5 or maybe last month.